the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
