spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
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