If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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