So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
