All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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