i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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