she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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