What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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