Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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