I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
