I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
