it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
