I wish I could punch you in the face.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
