I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
