saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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