babies were throwing up all over the place
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
