Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Randomize
