Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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