he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm experimenting with sincerity
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
