What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
