Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
