I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
