Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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