My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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