if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Randomize
