if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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