I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
