lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
