Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
