Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
