At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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