Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
