Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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