We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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