i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
