also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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