i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
