Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
A bitchslap is in order.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
