I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
