8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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