i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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