Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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