i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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