Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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