i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
