it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
