Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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