Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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