My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
