hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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